My Time Of Dying 2: Behind Blue Eyes
by Breech Loader
Summary: Still trying to overcome his depression, Scourge leaves Knothole and Sonic behind him. Every day is a struggle to find a reason to live, and nothing seems to have changed, so he decides it's time to be more pro-active. Of course, he's still impulsive, arrogant and suicidal so who knows how badly it'll go? First-Person, SonOurge.


My Time Of Dying 2: Behind Blue Eyes

By Breech Loader

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><p>Breech: If you're new here, you will probably want to check out the first; I suppose you could dive right in but Scourge's depression and relationships make a lot more sense if you try out My Time Of Dying 1 first.<p>

Obviously it's still going to be intensely depressing. Scourge is not as suicidal, but still deeply entrenched in his self-hatred.

The Faggotry Factor (I am so glad I thought that up) will be upped, but I'm not sure by how much.

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><p>Chapter One: I'm With You<p>

Six months of the same thing. I mean, the same thing isn't as bad as it used to be, but it can get… frustrating, when you're still an asshole.

I almost ran off a few times. But I guess Shadow was right about coming back on my own; I'm just scared that they won't come after me this time. Staying because I want to stay.

What really surprises me is that the chicks don't actually chase after him any less. Can't deny that back on Moebius I could get any chick to fall for me, at least for long enough to bang them a few times… They're still watching me though. Still waiting for me to show my true nature.

Just kinda makes me scared that any day now Sonic will wake up and realise what a bum deal he's got and leave me.

I still feel bad. But it's going good. Kind of.

I did a lot of training, keeping me busy. Then I moved up and now I'm doing patrols. And because I'm a kind of Sonic, I can do almost all of the patrols. Gives everybody else a chance to be more useful. Sonic says something about everybody being useful. Chuck says we work best as a well-oiled machine.

I used to be a goddamn King.

Almost every day, I find a blade. Imagine digging it in, slicing myself open, bleeding out.

Me and Sonic worked something new out. Kind of like the Butterfly Project thing, but not. Every day I can go without cutting, we add a bit more to it. Like, we started with the body, then the head, then added one wing at a time, then started colouring it in…

I failed twice. First time on my wrist. Second time, Sonic caught me putting a cut on my hip instead. Both times I had to wash it all off and start again, and damn, that was a lot of work shat right out the window.

Looks pretty nice now, gotta admit.

But when Sonic gets back is best.

As for the 'us' factor… it's hard to think about it. Chuck got a new bed in the spare room and I sleep there now. Some nights Sonic comes in and I hate being so faggy about it, but we wrap around each other and kiss until the sun comes up.

I don't seek him out. Sometimes I want to. So bad. But I don't. I'm the bad guy, and what I do is bad. Thinking about that gives me a headache, but I still like to see him… Either way it feels good. We kiss and touch and move, sometimes him leading, sometimes me, sometimes together.

Or we don't. We're close, and somehow that takes the edge off the day.

And sometimes I just end the day breaking down in tears no matter what happens. And I sob into his chest and hate myself and he's there, telling me the lies I want to hear.

Today, for him, was not good. The mission went totally balls up. Hell, the only way it could've gone worse is if somebody'd had a stroke. The only person who didn't get hurt was Sonic. Now me, I'd be happy, but for whatever reason, Sonic's miserable about that.

He's standing next to Fox-boy's bed, 'cause the little freak really sprained his arm. And I'm here trying to work out why anybody in their right mind would say 'It should've been me who got hurt'. It's probably a hero thing. Which is weird because Tails keeps telling Sonic not to worry about it.

Finally I get sick of Sonic apologising for shit that is totally not his fault. Especially when Fox-boy is telling him not to worry about it.

"I don't get it, Blue," and even as I say it, I know it sounds moronic coming from me, "Why can't you just be glad you're alive?"

They both look at me as if I've grown a second head.

"Seriously. If you'd gotten hurt, nobody would've made it out."

I don't know why he's listening to me. Maybe it's just the way I put things. Maybe it's the way I don't idolise him – I mean, sure, he's better than me in just about every way, but it's not like he's my god or anything. I'm talking louder now. Never was good with the old 'indoor voice'.

"You know what I always did whenever you kicked my ass, Blue? I got up, shook the dirt out of my quills, and tried again. Harder. And you still kicked my ass. But I kept getting up and making your life hell. And you kept kicking my ass. So quit saying you're a failure, because this planet isn't a smoking ruin yet."

I sit down. Don't know where that one came from. It's not like I have a lot of 'good' days. Sonic's just looking at me, Tails looks just as surprised.

"See?" Tails tells him, "Even Scourge says you're not a failure. You haven't really let us down because…"

I tune out and just watch Sonic cheer up a bit. Finally I get up. I'll never, ever understand… well, _this_ kind of thing. Maybe because I never had the kind of friend in Tails that Sonic does.

It's not that I don't want to be with them. I just don't feel like I _belong_.

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><p>I don't go straight back to Sonic's place. I know it's fucking selfish, but I just… yeah, I know. Fox-boy isn't my friend, okay? Besides, six months ago his evil twin tried to stab me to death. Shit like that is a little difficult to put behind you.<p>

I should care more. I know I should. But obviously I can't. Because I'm a bad guy.

I settle myself on a bridge. I've tried. But that's the thing about being from Moebius. As long as they're heroes here, I guess we've got to be bad guys. And I'm sick to my ass of being the bad guy, but even when I try, I foul up. Now I'm trying to feel sympathetic for Sonic's little punk of a buddy and even so there's this voice telling me that he's not as important.

Great. Now it's starting to rain. Like even the weather wants me to look pathetic.

Why did I have to be born on Moebius? Was I destined to be cruel and unfeeling? Why don't I get to choose, like the others did? Fiona got to choose. She chose to be evil. She chose to order my death. I don't know where she is now. Either Zone Jail or Moebius.

I just don't know what to do right now. I've never felt like I have so little reason to live. These are good people and they have everything they need.

I roll up my sleeves to look at the scars on my wrists. I feel the aching need to open them up… to see red and feel my heart beating.

Unthinking, I climb over the parapet of the bridge and hang off the edge, looking down. There's a river flowing beneath me. It's only a five feet fall at my guess, but the water is also five feet deep. Easily deep enough to end my life in. Fall in, and wash my filth away from the world. Finally clean the blood away from my name.

Loosen my grip and push forward a little. I am so selfish. Sonic has enough problems without worrying about me. So what if this hurts him? He has lots of friends to help him get over me. Not that I'll take much getting over. I'm just a fad. A hobby.

I make everything go wrong.

But I can fix it.

All I have to do is lean forward and…

Drop.

There's a splash, and I sink. TI can't swim, and the instinct for survival makes me splash around and hold my breath for a few seconds. But I overcome it. I sink. Breathe in the water. Close my eyes, and wash away the blood…

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><p>And now I'm coughing up water.<p>

Open my eyes. I'm on my side and somebody's hitting me in the stomach. Hurts too much to be dead. What the hell does it take to kill me?!

"Thank th' heavens! He's breathin'!" Not Sonic… I think it's… Bunnie?

I'm soaked and freezing cold like ice, on my side in the mud by the river, shivering from the water and dirty all over, "Stop it… get off…"

"Scourge!" Oh, here comes Sonic- DAMN! He just slaps me right across the face! "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING?!"

I cough up some more water. I must look awful, "I… I want to… How…" I look around. There's Bunnie, and Amy, and Antoine as well. Why would they be here? "How did you guys…"

"Didn't you hear me tell you? Nicole sees everything," Sonic hauls me into his lap, "She saw you drop yourself off the bridge. Damn, you were doing so well, why did you do that, man?"

I shudder and hide my face in the smooth peach fur on his chest. Damn, I'm so _ashamed_, "Tell them to go away…" They go, and I just…. hide for a bit in him. I feel like I could die; this is so humiliating. I'm shaking with the effort of not crying.

"Why did you do it, Scourge?" he asks me, "Everybody here want you to be well again. Please tell me why you want to kill yourself…"

"It just all came down on me… all of it…" he takes my hand and I squeeze it, "Sorry, Sonic… I didn't mean to be such a worthless, fucked-up retard…"

"Scourge…" he wipes some of the mud of my face, "Everything will be fine…"

"But-"

"Can you stand?" he asks, helping me to my feet and wrapping one strong arm around my waist, "Damn, you're wet. We'll get back to my place and dry you off."

"I just wanted to die," I try and explain as we walk together, "I don't want to… I'm nothing but a burden."

He grunts his acknowledgement and pushes back my sleeve. The butterfly is all smudged from the water, and he covers it up again fast and head into his house, with him leading me to the bathroom. I have to take off my jacket, shoes and gloves, because they're all soaked through. I know I don't wear pants but it still feels awkward.

Then he grabs the biggest towel he can find and starts drying me down while I'm just standing there.

"I should have been paying better attention," he speaks softly, "I should have known it wasn't over."

"It's not your fault," I tell him, "I'm just a burden."

"Quit talking like that!" Sonic stands in front of me, "Seriously, if it wasn't for those scars on your chest I'd hardly know it was you at all."

"I…" I grind my teeth in despair, "I hardly know who I am any more… I don't want to be you, but I don't want to be me, so… who am I?"

"You… are the most amazing-"

I punch him. I kind of regret it, and let me tell you I don't often regret hitting people… but he didn't have to go mushy like that when I feel like fifteen kinds of shit, "Don't start it, blue!"

I head to my room and slam the door. With everybody being so goddamn careful around me, I end up feeling so… fucking… _angry_. They keep checking me for razors and I feel like I'm in a damn prison. Even if they're right… I just… feel so wired up and ready to explode...

I push back my sleeve and close my eyes and grit my teeth… and I just image what it would feel like, to really dig a blade into there again. Saw right down to the bone and gouge through the muscle and just… peel everything back.

I feel like I want to hurt – no, like I want somebody to hurt me.

Like when I was nearly stabbed to death. Why can't I have that feeling again? When I'm dying I want to live. The rest of the time I could be ripped neck to gut by a blunt shaving razor and not feel a thing.

Sonic thumps on the door. He probably thinks this is all going to go away if we kiss a few times. Oh, okay, it will. But only for a while. I can't take that. It happens so often, I have dreams.

"Scourge, let me in."

He says the same words. He believes them so much that for a little while, I can believe them too.

"I promise, it'll be okay."

But it isn't. It can't be. Not when I feel this way. The same heartfelt promises become unintended lies. And dreams become nightmares.

"I won't hurt you."

But what beautiful nightmares they are.

Just the same, I… can't keep feeling like this. Not even for him. I have to sort things out, and I can't do that by staying here and huddling up to Sonic every time I want to die. I can't keep crying in his arms or wandering around the place looking like a guy who's just found a dead hooker.

I have to get out of this place. Have to get my legs moving again. At least the windows aren't locked. I climb out and drop easily to the ground.

I know it sounds crazy even to me, but I have to find out who I am. Maybe then I can come back. Or maybe I won't. It depends who I turn out to be.

I give my feet a good rev, and speed out, leaving a sonic boom in my wake. I'm barely five seconds and a mile out of Knothole, and I'm missing all of them.

But I have to get to that dick Eggman and find out just how bad I really am.

And if that means one bad guy kicking the ass of another bad guy, so be it.

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><p><strong>No one knows what it's like to be the bad man,<br>To be the sad man,  
>Behind blue eyes,<br>And no one knows what it's like to be hated,  
>To be fated to telling only lies,<strong>

**But my dreams, they aren't as empty**  
><strong>As my conscience seems to be,<strong>  
><strong>I have hours, only lonely,<strong>  
><strong>My love is vengeance that's never free,<strong>

**No one knows what it's like to feel these feelings like I do,  
>And I blame you!<br>No one bites back as hard on their anger,  
>None of my pain and woe can show through,<strong>

**But my dreams, they aren't as empty  
>As my conscience seems to be,<br>I have hours, only lonely,  
>My love is vengeance rhat's never free…<br>**

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><p>Breech: Okay, this is the first chapter. Hopefully things will go okay. I mean with the writing. You want me to continue, right? Should I? Review!<p>

After trying to drown himself, Scourge has decided to take a different approach to his depression. He seems to be leaving Sonic behind; after all, it's not really a love story. But whatever is the green supersonic hedgehog going to do?

Probably something stupid and irresponsible.

Check out "Behind Blue Eyes" by Limp Bizkit.


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